BOOK REVIEW: When Sinners Say I Do: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage by Dave Harvey

Since we are in Ephesians 5-6 I thought we would take a look at two books over the next two weeks. One on marriage, the other on family.

Let's start with marriage.

I have used this book for about 15 years in every marriage counseling situation in which I have been involved. I give it out to couples who desire to be be married -- even though it is not designed for such a purpose -- and I recommend it to everyone who desires to have a godly marriage. Wherever your marriage is at the moment you WILL benefit from this book. It's that good.

Harvey speaks directly to Christian couples navigating the realities of life together in a fallen world. His central message is simple but profound -- marriage is not a fairy tale between two morally neutral individuals, but a covenant between two sinners desperately in need of Christ. In other words, unless the gospel grounds and brings focus to the marriage, it will fail.

One of the main reasons for my love of this book is the theological clarity it brings to bear on the practicalities of marriage. So many books on marriage and family concern themselves with what we should do, the changes we need to make, and adjustments to habits that we should pursue without dealing with the major problem that exists in all of us -- sin -- and the only cure for it -- the gospel. Harvey does not begin with communication techniques, conflict resolution strategies, or romantic ideals. He begins with sin. “What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage,” he writes, and for Harvey, this means starting with a right understanding of ourselves as sinners.

This emphasis on sin is not morbid introspection -- it is the necessary context for the good news. Harvey repeatedly reminds us that only the gospel can provide the hope, power, and motivation to persevere in the daily dying-to-self that marriage requires. He avoids the pitfall of reducing the gospel to merely a model of sacrificial love to emulate. Instead, he presents the gospel as a real, historical, redemptive event that actually transforms people, including both parties in a marriage. The doctrine of justification by faith is not only central to salvation in a general sense, but also vital for marriage in very practical terms. Couples must learn to extend to each other the grace that they have received from Christ for the marriage to work.

Chapters 1-3 brilliantly lay out the foundation of the gospel for our marriage and are worth reading over and over again. They are the heart of the book and the foundation for what he will say in the rest of it. In chapter 1, "What Really Matters in Marriage," Harvey sets the stage for understanding God, ourselves, and the gospel. He introduces the idea that total depravity is a real problem for all relationships, especially one so intimate as marriage.

Chapter 2, "Waking Up With the Worst of Sinners," dives directly into sin as it plays out in marriage. The chapter title is brilliant as it echoes Paul’s self-description in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” He argues that this posture of humility should shape how we see ourselves in marriage -- I am the worst sinner I know. Rather than blaming my spouse, or circumstances, or other people (including the in-laws) for what is going on in our marriage Harvey encourages us to take personal responsibility for our own sin. He critiques the common tendency to excuse our behavior by blaming circumstances or the actions of our spouse or anything else.

In the third chapter, "The Fog of War," Harvey describes how marriage becomes a battlefield where the Holy Spirit exposes selfishness, impatience, and pride -- not to shame us, but to refine us. Rather than treating conflict as an obstacle to happiness, Harvey treats it as an opportunity for sanctification. Marriage is a place where God exposes sin, tests our faith, and grows us more and more into the image of Christ. He challenges the modern therapeutic view that the solution to marital problems lies in communication techniques or psychological insight or some other introspective gobbledygook. Instead, he insists that we must deal with the desires of the heart, which can become “ruling desires” or idols. Conflict is not the enemy -- it is the context within which God performs his sanctifying work.

When Sinners Say I Do is an excellent book. For anyone seeking to build a marriage on something stronger than sentimentality or self-help -- the gospel itself -- this book offers a foundation both truthful and deeply hopeful. If you are married you should read it.

Soli Deo Gloria